I GET JOKES: Existential Porn Crisis

artwork by Tiffany Reza

Summer 2001:

It took some time to find you, navigating the backwoods of AOL for safe passage. Last Friday at Johnny’s, in his dad’s den at 2am. That’s where I fell in love. Fell in love at the keyboard. “Forget about her,” they said. “Who cares?” I did. Those punks just wanted a quick fix. I was in it for the long haul. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but they don’t swim like you Angel. By swim…I mean take three dicks at the same time.  

Angel la Cox.  19/f/Cali. Part German, Hispanic, and whatever you desire. They don’t have girls like you in St. Claire Falls that’s for sure. We’re going to Disneyland for Cindy’s next birthday. So close, but so far. They have nude beaches out west huh? I bet all the sand in your crack isn’t as bad as Damien Rod’s, rod. Just kidding. You took it like a champ. It was beautiful.

The Painal Group homepage says that Back Door Auditions vol. III was your first role. Ten years from now you’ll be 29 and ready to retire. I should be out of college by then. This could work. This could really work…

Shit. Foot steps. Can’t you call grandma later? Angel’s new MPEG is almost done downloading. Only 53 more minutes to go! Fine. Your house, your phone, your rules. I’ll log on tonight when they’re asleep. This new clip, 45 seconds of heaven, it’s worth the risk. I’ll be back Angel. I swear.

Winter 2013:
Grad School. What a joke. I should have got a real job. Or joined the Army. Fuck this library. I need a beer. Why the hell is Denise calling me when she’s knows I’m doing research? Fiance or not, she fucking bugs. Taking a break…

Headlines.
“Gridlock in DC: Congress to…,”   “Top cities for Twenty…” “Shocking: Former Porn Star on trial…”
Angel? Angel la Cox?!

2006, assault. 2008, methamphetamine and prostitution charges brought after motel raid. 2011, New Apostle Congregation of the Holy Spirit welcomes an…oh Angel. What happened?
 
You were so young and graceful. Your pelvis galloped on those flesh toned condoms like a thoroughbred. All the fame and accolades? The AVN for best new starlet? Why’d you start blowing guys off Craigslist?! Cops have computers too girl! How could this have happened?

I’ve been so caught up. I swear I didn’t know. I…why the fuck is Denise still calling?! God.

I remember you signed with Dirty Diva Productions. I just finished high school. Oh shit, it says you did interracial? Wow. Ok, bookmarked. Has it really been ten, no wait, twelve years ago. In Derrick’s garage looking at your jpegs online.

What happened to you…what happened to us?

Car payments, Denise, Stanford, Econ fucking happened. Oh Christ what’s the point. You’re cooking rock in some trailer; I’m scouring periodicals from online databases. We’re slaves. We fucked up somewhere and now we’re lost and miserable. You’re turning tricks for cash and Denise won’t stop fucking texting me either! OFF. PHONE OFF.

I’m sorry Angel. I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry. For the both of us. I need to make things right. The only way I can.

New tab. Red Tube search: Angel la Cox.
Fuck this library.

NSFW: Sexy Literature

Pornstars are, for the most part, physically attractive. Intelligence is a trait most people usually find attractive. So what would be cooler than a beautiful porn star reading? I know, I know...how about reading, while masturbating. Genius.

So here's Stoya, reading a passage from a book while trying to keep a straight face with a vibrator under the table. There's nothing too graphic or explicit in the clip but the content is still "adult" and warrants the NSFW warning:


Porn stars reading. Best thing since peas and carrots.

2nd chances w/: Cephalic Carnage

"rocky mountain hydro grinders"

3/4 of my closet is like this =/

So I was having lunch with an old friend of mine the other day and the conversation turned to the shirt I was wearing (cough*side photo*cough). I explained to her that they're an awesome little grind/death/WEED band from Denver. I praised their absurdly awesome live performances, wacky sense of humor, fondness of marijuana and penchant for releasing amazing albums....most of the time.

See, I was relatively disappointed with Cephalic Carnage's newest record, Mislead By Certainty. I first discovered the band when Lucid Interval came out in 02' and have stuck with them ever since. Sadly, this was the first time I was not blown away by a new Cephalic record. After reading in Decibel that their founding guitarist and primary song writer had quit the band prior to recording, it was beginning to make sense why Mislead By Certainty felt so different.

I don't know about you, but I like listening to my extreme metal while I'm working out (the transition from Metallica to Morbid Angel is easier when your doing push ups). Since my computer died last week and I was internet/iPod-less I had no choice but to actually spin relics from my CD collection. Guess what I decided to give another chance? So now I have a new stance on Cephalic's latest mind fuck grind opus. I still can't stand the 1st track "The Incorrigible Flame," just useless wankery as far as I'm concerned, but aside from the beginning, the album as a whole has really grown on me. I like it when Cephalic warp their two opposing natures, spazzy technicality & dirty sludge into singular songs, like "Raped By An Orb," for example. If I had to choose, I'd say I appreciate their slower psychedelic moments (saxophones in "Ohrwurm") but maybe that's because I'm getting old and cranky. So yeah, Misled By Certainty isn't the greatest Cephalic album (newbs might want to check out 2005's Anomalies first) but it definitely isn't horrible and honestly, better than most of the shitty metal that pollutes the modern landscape. 

Speaking of "Ohrwurm," the band released a SICK ASS video for the song available to stream exclusively  HERE. If you're into metal, gore, porn or just freaky shit in general I highly recommend you check it out. If you're a relatively normal person, I'd advise you to save your lunch/soul and forgot I ever mentioned it. Like these dudes probably wished they had: