Monday, June 3, 2013

I GET JOKES: Free Speech

artwork by Tiffany Reza

Did you know it’s illegal to yell “fire” in a public place? Well you can, but only if the joint is burning down. You can’t falsely yell “fire” in, oh, let’s say a crowded theater, or any packed public place that could cause panic and result in people getting hurt. I know, I know, but what about muh FREEOMS?! Freedom of speech is great (thank you Larry Flynt) but limitations like this one seem necessary in my book. 

You know what other phrase should be illegal? “It’s yours.” I’m not talking about slices of pizza either. Falsely identifying someone as your baby daddy should definitely fall under the limitations of free speech. You better have a warrant, forensics and eye witness testimony before you come at a guy with that. Why? Well the threat of a fire/disaster in a public sphere is illegal because it could result in bodily harm or death. False fatherhood accusations on the other hand are equal to certain death. It’s an 18 years to life sentence (depending on how fucked up the kid turns out). Say goodbye to the existence you once knew. It’s diapers, braces, data plans and tuition/bail from here until the little bastard gets a full time job when he’s 34 (thanks Obama).

If you can’t yell fire in a public space, you shouldn’t be allowed to accuse potential baby daddy’s on Twitter either. Think about it. The social media sphere is more crowded than all the theater houses and sports arenas in the world. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shake the hashtag #deadbeatdad. You’ll be an instant pariah. Even something harmless like: “Joey Joe Joe was tagged at The Yard House with 4 others” will result in endless comments like: “He needs to be wit his family at home.” “PREACH” and “ReALTALk.”

I know that big government is the enemy and the last thing we all need are the feds telling us how to live and what to say…but this is serious. The Clear and Present Danger doctrine has been instituted in our legal system for almost a century now, I just think it’s time we updated it for modern times. No false fire or paternity claims in 21st century America. And remember ladies, the burden of proof rests solely on the prosecution. God, I love this country.


  1. I'd love the country more if it was in fact illegal to make false allegations of paternity. Damn that would be a good world. At the very least can we make DNA testing cheap without having to go on a daytime talk show?

  2. It's not illegal, and I can understand there being some form of penalty for such a harsh life changing accusation.. But, can't a smart 'potential' father also decide it's time for a DNA test when life swings at you in such a way?

    I just think in many situations, there are other options to make sure what you're being told is truth. And then well, shaking off the stigma will still take a lot less time than raising a human being. I'm not disagreeing with you, but until something like what you're asking for happens, people can DO something.

  3. I never knew that about the fire thing Jim, it's crazy all the random laws that they have in America, I've read some insane ones over time. The internet has caused some major problems when it comes to things like this, has a lot to answer for.