Movie Review: 22 Jump Street

It's no secret, most movie sequels suck. For every The Empire Strikes Back or Godfather II, there are thousands of uninspired, schlock fest flicks like Son of The Mask, The Hangover Part II & III, or the inevitable Transformers 6: War of the Hybrids. It's like Mel Brooks said in Space Balls, "we'll meet again in Space Balls 2: The Search For More Money." Anyways...with that in mind, it pleases me to announce that 22 Jump Street doesn't suck. In fact, the film is almost as side splittingly  funny as it's predecessor and because this sequel is perhaps, the most meta/self aware film since Wayne's World, it's even more ridiculously entertaining in it's own right.

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum are back as the same Police Academy rejects we saw in 21 Jump Street, but this time they get sent to college. That's it. The plot is basically the same as the last film and everyone in the movie knows it [more on the film's hyper self awareness later]. The major difference this time around is the film's larger budget allows the 22 Jump Street cast to go full on 80's action, buddy cop parody, meaning much more chaos, destruction and lulz-y shenanigans.They also take the subtle homoerotic undertones of dude flicks (Predator, Lethal Weapon, etc etc)  to amazing new heights. Like before, Hill and Tatum's bromance is the heart of the film but now it's like a legit same sex civil union and it's hilarious. Jonah Hill may be the certified comic relief but seriously, Channing Tatum steals every scene he's in. He doesn't have as many great "AP chemistry bitch" lines like in the original, but he's still a one man wrecking crew when it comes to lulz and physical comedy. He and Ice Cube deliver the biggest laughs in the film. One scene in particular between the two of them that I dare not spoil, had me and just about everyone else in the theater ROFL. For real.

So back to all the meta/self aware stuff. Yes, perhaps the best part about 22 Jump Street is how often it takes shots at itself. It's a dumb sequel making fun of other dumb sequels. Hill cracks jokes about Tatum's own failed action hero attempt with White House Down, Ice Cube repeatedly alludes to the film's budget, no one in the movie believes Hill and Tatum are college age students and hammers them with old man jokes, and seemingly everyone enjoys pointing out  that this Jump Street's plot is "just like last time." It's all so zany and self aware, they do everything short of breaking the 4th wall onscreen. I half expected Ferris Bueller to pop and start talking to the camera at one point. Sure, the recycled plot and over the top self awareness could be considered a sign of lazy writing, but it's executed oh so well, it's exceptional delivery makes up for it. In fact, keeping tabs on all the film's in-jokes is almost as entertaining as the movie itself. 22 Jump Street is not the most original film in existence [a sequel of a reboot/adaptation] but in a weird way, it is sort of reinventing the wheel.

Movie Review: The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio team up once again for The Wolf of Wall Street. After this, their fifth paring, I'm starting to believe they really are "...duly appointed federal marshals." All jokes aside, you know Leo brings his A game whenever he's in a Scorsese picture and his performance in The Wolf of Wall Street is no different. Well actually, it is a bit different. Leo is renowned for his onscreen intensity (re: screaming a lot) but his turn as cocaine fueled stock broker Jordan Belfort takes DiCaprio to a new realm of insanity and goes straight to 11.

The Wolf of Wall Street is a wild and hilarious black comedy about the stock market robber barons of the 1980's. The film chronicles the drug fueled shenanigans of Jordan Belfort and his cadre of greed merchants who con hapless suckers from their hard earned cash, selling worthless stocks and making a killing in the process. For the con-artists turned stock brokers of the Stratton Oakmont firm, exploitation is their business and business is good. The shit these dudes get away with is ridiculous. The drugs, the sex, the debauchery, the numerous felonies, it would be obscene and downright unbelievable if this wasn't all based on real life events. By the end of this three hour film two things will be made painfully obvious. Wealth does not trickle down ( in fact it's snorted from the bottom) and truth is stranger than fiction.

The Wolf of Wall Street is anchored by Leo's strong willed performance. His character Jordan is like a human wrecking ball. He's at the forefront of everything and it's his frantic vision/greed quest that keeps the film's breakneck pace in motion. Jordan starts off as a naive young broker on Wall Street who transforms himself from an idealistic boyscout to a corrupt multimillionaire and Quaalude enthusiast within a few short years. The film follows Jordan's rise from poverty to "Bond villain" luxury, and indulges the dark capitalist power trip fantasy that exists within our collective consciousnesses. As entertaining as the film is, with it's wild parties, (excellent) nudity and record breaking profanity, it's far too long and repetitive. I know, the film is over indulgent and excessive because it mirrors these assholes lives but seriously, it could have been trimmed down twenty or thirty minutes easily. Also, most of the characters, including Leo as Jordan, are sort of wishy washy. One second they're scummy caricatures, the next they're trying, (trying being the key) to be real people. The only legit performance in the whole film belong to Jonah Hill, who plays Jordan's right hand man and steals every scene he's in.

The fact that Martin Scorsese is still turning out films like The Wolf of Wall Street at age 71 is amazing. Considering that most of his cohorts from the 1970's have languished in mediocrity during their senior years, it only makes Scorsese's talent and passion for film making that much more admirable. Scorsese is the real star of this film. It's his presence behind the camera that makes this 3 hour trip into asshole land not only worth while, but funny as hell. Is this as great a film as Goodfellas? No. But you have to remember, the murderous gangsters in that movie where characters with heart that you come to love, The Wolf of Wall of Street is about...bankers. Considering the source material, I'd say Scorsese did an amazing job.

Movie Review: Her

Her is the most poignant and strangely inspirational film I've seen in some time. Spike Jonze's latest film is a lovelorn masterwork that will resonate with anyone who has ever used a smart phone and who still has blood pumping through their veins. In the not too distant future, society's struggles and hardships are quelled by the wonders of technology, but instead of standing together in triumph, people are isolated and miserable. The financial and economic woes that plagued mankind for millennia have given way to existential crises and the dissolution of intimacy. It's a frightening paradox and makes for a heartbreaking viewing experience.

Joaquin Phoenix plays Theodore, a writer and hopeless romantic in the throes of a bitter divorce. He wonders the streets of futuristic Los Angeles completely immersed in the world of his personal computer (think: iPhone 50) like all the other blank faced automatons in the city. When Theodore purchases a new operating system with artificial intelligence, he quickly forms a bond with his OS, who names itself "Samantha," and begins to turn his life around. Phoenix's portrayal of poor Theodore is nothing short of amazing. Because this is a movie about a dude who's in love with a computer, Phoenix is alone for the majority of the film and does all the onscreen heavy lifting himself. He's melancholy and pathetic, he's joyful and hilarious, he's neurotic and vulnerable all at once. Scarlett Johansson provides Samantha's smokey voice and does a great job making a creepy omnipresent machine sound like something you'd want to wake up next to in the morning. Rooney Mara continues her streak of pants shitting-ly terrifying performances ( The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Side Effects) and Amy Adams is brilliant as Theodore's quirky friend and neighbor in a role that's a complete 180 from her character in American Hustle but she shines just as bright. 

Technically and thematically, Her is simply a gorgeous film to behold. The team Jonze assembled to bring his tragically sterile future world to life deserves all the praise they're receiving and more. Cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema and costume designer Casey Storm create a cheerfully drab Apple Store/American Apparel looking society, devoid of dust, excitement, and denim. The film's inspirational music is brought to you by Arcade Fire and Karen O of The Yeah Yeah Yeah's, and Phoenix delivers one of the most captivating performances of his career. All that, plus the deep philosophical themes Her touches upon, this film is just ridiculously good on so many levels it's not even funny. Speaking of funny, although heartbreaking and tragic, Her has several flat out hilarious scenes. Like side splitting laughter. So prepare your tear ducts, secure your funny bone, and say goodbye to your smart phone because you'll probably never look it the same way again after you see this movie. Her is without question, one of the best films 2013 has to offer.

It's Not Fiction, It's Florida.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Ben Carrillo may have done a lot of questionable things in his life, but his debut student film It's Not Fiction, It's Florida, is not one of them. This short film is seven minutes of awesomeness. It's funny, thought provoking and features an amazing ensemble cast (especially that stud playing Cop #1). Who would have thought that a mere student film project would serve as a such a jarring indictment of modern American culture...either that or it just underscores how fucking crazy Florida really is. No...REALLY.

Is this film a work of genius? Has Ben found his true calling but more importantly, can he put the go-go dancing career behind him? Am I hyping this thing up because of my own involvement (Boom Operators Local 605 in the house)? Check out It's Not Fiction, It's Florida and decide for yourselves. I'm pretty sure you'll dig it...unless you're one of those raving loonies from the Sunshine State. If so, direct your ire at Ben. It's all his fault, I swear.

I GET JOKES: #RIP

artwork by Chris "SILLYPANTS" Castro

It's a cold winter night. After one too many games of beer pong, Alex flys down the open highway road. He's gotta piss you know? While switching through his favorite Pandora stations, he loses control of his vehicle and veers off the road. The gash on his head from slamming into the steering while isn't as bad as it looks. No serious damage to himself or his liability only insured car. Too bad he's too wasted to realize that.

Car door swings open. Alex falls out and stumbles to the ground.

Cold. It's freezing. I-I'm bleeding?

Oh God, I was in an accident! Drunk driver?
Wait, that was me. My bad. They don't call me the beer pong champ for nothing!

At least I had my seat belt...oh. Shit. I-I can't move my legs dawg. I'm getting colder. This fucking sucks. I don't think I'm gonna make it. Even if I did, Sarah's gonna be pissed. I told her I was working tonight. What should I do? I'm getting all woozy and shit. Sam. Sam!

After some struggle, he unlocks his phone and makes a call.

Sam answer your fucking phone dude. C'mon. Gotta text his ass now. Foo needs an iPhone already, this shit would be free. Cheap ass...

text:

Sam dude I fuked up. hit tree after left ur pad. dyin man =/ Do me a solid bro log onto my emails & profiles let evryone know I'm dunskees. Dont let Sarah see my inbox! keep those nudes from Jenn tho. Cute AF huh? Thanks man. Later.

text:

yo I forgoet the password! LOL. email is spartan06. ha. FB and Twitter are: gimmiefuel6969. haha. Metallica bro wut?! Cool man. lates.

Oh...my old myspace tho! Nah, that shits dead anyways.

So this it? End of the line. Man, my last pic on Instagram is that Subway from yesterday. I can't go out like that!

Opens camera app.

One last selfie. Dammit.

Turns on flash and takes another photo. Hashtags the following:

#dontdrinkanddrive #peaceout #RIP

This better get more "likes" than Sarah's cloud pictures. This is my LAST pic you know?

His phone buzzes.

What? Liked my status? I didn't post...

He glances at his mysterious new Facebook update that reads:

Alexander Owens is a lying piece of shit. Was supposed to at work but drunk text me instead. Fuck him an that slut still sending him nudes behind my back. YOU KNO WHO YOU R BITCH! Get some respect n get ur own man. wait nvm you can have him. Get HER to help fix your car. Were done. smh.

I text Sarah?!Shiiiiiiiiiiit. She's gonna kill me. Well, if I wasn't already dying here. Fuck. I'm so cold and I'm all wet now. At least I don't have to piss anymore. Wait...

#FML.

Movie Review: Don Jon

Joseph Gordon-Levitt strikes again folks. His new film Don Jon is a thoroughly entertaining romp, a bit on the raunchy/NSFW side, but enjoyable nonetheless. Some might find the film's crass subject matter tasteless (spoiler: it's about the interplay between relationships, sex and porn) but amidst a sea of mediocre films all trying to ape Judd Apatow comedies, Don Jon's abrasiveness is like a breath of fresh air. A ballsy, R-rated film, meant for adults that doesn't dilute it's vision for mass appeal dollars. This alone is enough reason to champion this flick.

Anyways, Levitt stars as Don Jon, a smug Jersey Shore type whose lady killer prowess is renowned far and wide. To say he simply "get's girls" would be an understatement. Through the power of montage, we learn that Jon slams different hot chicks (always between "8's and 10's") on a daily basis. But alas, Jon has a unnerving addiction to internet pornography that actually impedes his enjoyment of real sex. As the film goes on, you see just how fucked up Jon's situation is. He's not as depraved as poor ol' Fassy in Shame, but in the same league for sure. May 2012 Female Obsession inductee, Scarlett Johansson, plays his uptight, but drop dead gorgeous girlfriend, who doesn't take kindly to her new beau's addiction to smut. We watch as not only Jon's relationship begins to crumble, but his very outlook on life as well. Julianne Moore and Tony Danza, holy shit Tony Danza, deliver standout performances that help push Don Jon from simply "entertaining", to the realm of "pretty damn good."

chick flicks = girl porn

Ultimately, everything about Don Jon goes back to Levitt. The man pulls a triple threat as the film's writer, director and main star. His acting is solid, like usual, and his direction, with his frequent use of jump cuts and montages seems a little Goodfellas/Scorsesse-ish, but it's his writing talents that really shine throughout the film. The dialogue feels authentic, which undoubtedly helped the already talented cast deliver such great performances, and just the idea for the movie alone, taking the piss out of our fantastical views of sex and personal relationships, was brilliant. Kudos to JGL for crafting such a solid debut film, and the Tony Danza/ Angels in the Outfield nostalgia trip.

Rundown on The Shutdown

It’s a cold fall morning. Your alarm rings to no avail. You should have been up five minutes ago. You need coffee. You gotta get ready for work. Shit, you need gas. Oh well. Fuck it. This bed is too warm. You’re just too, damn, comfy.

Uh oh. Getting a lil too warm. Search your feelings, you know it be true…you gotta piss.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just a little longer. You have enough gas to make it. You’ll be fine.
Fuck--- light is creeping in from that busted window blind.

NO. You’re staying. You haven’t been this snug in ages. You can hold it. Just curl into a ball and forget about the yellow river of urine about to crest. 

(Stomach gurgles) 
Uh oh. That ain’t hunger. Your bowels are saying “sup bro?” You gotta take a shit.

(Loud gurgles)
A mad shit.

NO. Who cares? You’re calling in sick. Intestines be damned you can’t risk it. You’re just so fucking comfy right now it’s ridiculous.

(Insane squishy gurgle)
Well, that about settles it. Time to get up and…

NO! We’re calling in remember? We can’t afford to get up right now, we might never be this comfy again!

Look, I want to stay in bed as much as you do but, we gotta hit that toilet man. ASAP.

STAY! Call in. Do some laundry later, clean up…

OK. That’s it. We are not SHITTING THE BED. We're late for work. I'm not trying to get fired for lounging in bed, and dude...we got some napalm diarrhea over here. We’re getting out of bed: NOW.

(sobbing)
B-But, we’re so comfy right now. Oh God. Well, we fought the good fight. We just didn’t win. Our days of being comfy are over.

Toilet seat lifts: explosion.

That’s basically how the 113th United States Congress handled the government shutdown earlier this month. The battle to defeat The Affordable Care Act/ObamaCARE ended long ago. It may be a flawed piece of legislation and already looks like its being implemented poorly, but it passed both houses of Congress, was reaffirmed with the last Presidential election…and was upheld by The Supreme Court. It’s over dude. It’s not going anywhere.

Unfortunately, some members of Congress (mainly House Republicans and deranged Senators like Ted Cruz) couldn’t be bothered to swallow the bitter pill of democracy/reality and realize that you can’t always get what you want and tried tying their continued fight against ObamaCare with the Federal Budget and Debt Ceiling negotiations in one last gasp of desperation/insanity. So they threw an ideological tantrum and held the government hostage for close to three weeks. Now funding the government is one of the most basic functions Congress performs. Humans need water and food to survive, the government needs Congress to appropriate funds to do stuff. It’s that simple. Republican members of the House were content with staying in their comfy beds of conservative ideology and ignore their basic duties to fund the government and ya know, not shit all over the place.

So what happened? Well, in the end, just one day prior to certain economic catastrophe, Congress was able to limp out of bed and reopen the government. Congratulations Congress, you’ve proved to be slightly more responsible than infants in not soiling yourselves. Kudos. Don’t get cocky though, I know potty training is a big deal, but you’ve still got a long road ahead.

FAIL

Awesome Photo (16)

Yours truly and the girlfriend getting photobombed by a herd of wild Australians. We were in town for the Jimmy Eat World concert and decided to do some touristy stuff when...well you see.

Also, this was not planned....at all. I set the timer on my camera and ran back to check the shots: they bombed everyone. Cool dudes, or blokes rather.

Dental Plan: Simpsons Themed Short Fiction

INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

A MAN is tied to a chair inside a dark warehouse. A large GOON paces beside him.
                        
                         GOON
So you lied to us…in song? Fuck. I hate when people do that.

                         MAN
Aw, you've got it all wrong. It's not like that. Look, I got the idea when I realized the fridge was cold, and…

                         GOON
Liar! You were out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother? He put you up to this? Didn’t he, didn’t he? Look at me!

Goon grabs the Man's throat.

                         MAN
No! I just, I…I was losing my perspicacity alright?! I wanted more friends, more allies…

Goon lets go as the Man slumps over.

                         GOON
You wanted to be queen of summertime…

                         MAN (WHIMPERS)
-king.

                         GOON
So you and your attractive cousin decided to set up shop on our turf? What did you call yourselves again?

                         MAN
Team—Team Discovery Channel.

                         GOON
Wow. Some geniuses huh? You thought you could waltz in here like it’s Happyland? All the other dealers would be too busy in their gum drop houses on lollipop lane to realize what the hell you were doing?

                         MAN
-b-but…

                         GOON
That nobody would notice this little operation, in this time of the year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your front yard?

                         MAN
-but, it was Country Time Lemonade. There’s never been anything close to real lemons in it.

                         GOON
Pish Posh! You thought it would be like taking candy, from a baby didn’t you…Mendoza? That’s not even your real name is it?

                         MAN
No. It’s Miguel- Miguel Sanchez.

                         GOON
Well, it was nice knowing you Miguel. Mr. Black says it’s time to fertilize the lawn…if you catch my drift.

The Man suddenly jerks upright. He sits tall and defiant.

                         MAN
You hired goons may have gotten the drop on me…but you’ll never stop Dr. Colossus! If you think he’ll slip up like I did, then you don’t know Diablo Canyon Two from Diablo Canyon One…

                         GOON
Colossus? HA.

Goon lights up a cigarette.

                         GOON (CONT'D)
Leave that hack and his oversized decorative pancho to us. Just because he used to be a major player down at the sewing store doesn’t mean shit. Mr. Black, now he…he’s a superstar at the cracker factory. He truly is, the king of all kings. When we catch that little S.O.B., Mr. Black is gonna look him in the eyes and say: “So this is your sick mother?”

Goon hovers over the Man's chair.

                         Goon (CONT'D)
Yeah…put that in your fife and smoke it.  

Goon extinguishes his cigarette on the Man's face.

        Screen goes black. Screaming is heard off camera.

                           END.

So that's that. A dramatic scene/short story I wrote interwoven with 25 different references to the gnarliest television program of all time, the first decade run of The Simpsons. 

My goal was to tell a coherent narrative while paying homage to my favorite TV show. Hopefully you normal folk could understand what the hell was going on. To The Simpsons fiends out there: Can you identify all 25 references? Well, can you? Up and atom then.

Iconic T-shirts in Film

"...or you can do combinations."

I love movies. I love stupid t-shirts. It should come as no surprise that I'd love a supercut of iconic t-shirts used in films. The people from Found Item Clothing who created this vid, are viral marketing geniuses. Not only am I going to share/spam this supercut with the world, but plan on ordering a good dozen or so shirts from their webstore. Well played folks. Well played.

Movie Review: The Way, Way Back.

The Way, Way Back, is a touching coming of age story. It's a charming little film, centered on an awkward teen who learns harsh truths about adult life while coming to grips with himself and overcoming the often painful throes of adolescence. If you're a fan of Fox Searchlight's quirky, mass appeal indie flicks (Little Miss Sunshine, Juno, Ruby Sparks, etc.) you'll probably like The Way, Way Back. However, if you were one of those unfortunate geeky souls who struggled to find acceptance as a teen, you might just love this film.

BETA posture in full effect.

Liam James stars as Duncan, the film's uber alienated protagonist. We've all seen pathetic characters in movies before, especially coming of age flicks like this, but James' turn as Duncan in The Way, Way Back takes the cake. His character is so fucking BETA, it was literally painful to watch him onscreen during the first half of the movie. Of course this made his inevitable transformation from hapless loser into, well, a semi functional human being, all the more revelatory. Honestly, watching this kid's performance triggered a flood a nerdy PTSD flashbacks. Duncan's fear of the opposite sex, his isolationist tendencies and blatant self loathing, even his horrible fucking posture, it was almost too much to bear...that's how legit this kid's performance is.

Aside from the uber geek champion of the universe, The Way, Way Back features a stellar supporting cast as well. Steve Carell is cast against type, playing the douche of all douches, AnnaSophia Robb is the enigmatic/tortured hot chick next door that Duncan's character pines over (and she does a daaaamn fine job filling out dAt bikini), Allison Janney steals every scene she's in as the neighborhood lush/cougar. Then, there's Sam Rockwell. He's the wacky water park manager who takes Duncan under his wing and encourages our forlorn protagonist to live, to love, and to break dance. Liam James is the film's tortured soul, but Rockwell is it's pulsing heart. Watching the two interact onscreen together, despite the film's many, and I mean many, "coming of age flick" cliches, felt almost magical at times. Of course, again, I'm kind of biased here. It appears that there is a little Duncan left inside this blackened heart of mine, no matter how much Slayer I pump through the stereo.

I GET JOKES: Job Interview- wut do?

artwork by Chris "SILLYPANTS" Castro

Everyday is your day off when you’re unemployed. Enjoy each one like it’s the last. You never know when some dick nosed job recruiter might call/text/email you back and fuck up the perfect little Friday morning you had planned. Here’s what you do:

1) Don’t answer the phone.
You applied for this job how many weeks ago? Yeah, and they call you back NOW? Fuck that. You’re probably too busy having sex with your girl (hand), hiking (napping) or playing ball (PS3…and no you can’t pause multiplayer motherfucker!) to answer anyways. They’ll leave you a voice mail and they’ll like it.

2) Reschedule the interview. The later the better.
Cynthia from HR has no idea who she’s fucking with. 8am tomorrow morning? Try not to laugh in her face. Hold it in. We all know that choosing between an all night Star Trek The Next Generation marathon on Netflix, and waking up early for some stupid fucking job interrogat…er, interview, ain’t no choice at all. Tell her you volunteer as a crossing guard or have to take grams to the doctor in the morning. Anything to keep you in bed until 9 o’clock.   

3) Bum a ride.
Where is this place anyways? Across town? Hell no. Don’t waste gas or pay for parking when they’re probably not even going to hire your ass anyways. Call Tony. Tell fat fuck you’ll treat him to breakfast and smoke him out later if he drops you off. That McDonalds on the corner (‘Merica!) should keep him occupied until you’re done.

4) Don’t shave.
They don’t own you. Not yet. Once you get the job, if they tell you to wear a tutu and grab your ankles you better smile and ask for seconds (gross…but fetish shit pays well). Until then, don’t shave. You already had plans before they abruptly called you remember? How are you supposed to pick up at the bar if you look like that douche from One Direction? It’s not gonna happen my friend. No beard = no bush. Remember that. If they give you shit during the interview, remind them that this job should be about the content of your character, not the length of your facial hair. If they’re not down with Dr. King, then fuck that place and report this hate crime to NCAA, A.S.A.P.

5) Don’t do any research about the job or company before hand.
Why spoil the surprise? You need work, they’re hiring. It said so on Craigslist. Of course you’re going to apply. Besides, you’re trying to get a paycheck, not ghost write the company’s biography. Their recent expansion into foreign markets, charity work with disadvantaged orphans, or how old man Harris founded the company with just a five dollar bill and the sweat off his brow in 1947, doesn’t mean jack shit. How much are we getting paid homie?! Oh, and do sick days and vacation time roll over? That would rule.

So you got the interview pushed back until 10am and Tony’s on his way. You’re rocking a majestic beard and know everything you need to know about this potential “dream job” you’re interviewing for (it’s in a office, across town)...hold up.

You haven’t clinched this thing yet partner. There’s still one more thing we’ve got to cover before you start abusing the company gas card. This one is important so make sure you write it down if necessary.

Do not, I repeat, do not forget to bring extra copies of your resume to the interview!

You’re trying to make a good impression for Christ’s sake.

FIDLAR bring the lulz (NSFW)

Hey hey kids. Long time no see. Sorry, the last few weeks have been rather hectic. I'm now officially backlogged on both movie (The Way, Way Back & Pacific Rim...go see em'!) and concert reviews and have several incomplete rants/thesis statements about the current political headlines from the crazy ol' U.S. of A waiting to finish. But that's not what this post is about. No, today we rock out with our cocks out.Literally.

FIDLAR - Cocaine (ft. Nick Offerman) from FIDLAR

Thanks FIDLAR. I needed that.

Movie Review: This Is The End

Sometimes, setting low expectations is a good thing. I was skeptical about This Is The End, afraid it was another one of those "funny trailer, horrible movie" type films that have plagued theaters since Judd Apatow became the commander and chief of Hollywood comedies. For every Superbad and Knocked Up, there's a Guilt Trip or The Sitter. For every Forgetting Sarah Marshall, there's a Get Him To The Greek. I was afraid this movie was going to be Pineapple Express all over again, a film with an awesome hype building trailer, but disappointing overall. Thankfully, I was wrong.

This Is The End is not only one of the funniest films of 2013, but one of the funniest movies I've seen in recent memory. The plot is ludicrous and almost irrelevant, the real laughs come from watching the ensemble cast tear each other to pieces with crude jokes and gags galore. The film centers around this group of Hollywood comedic actors, all playing exaggerated versions of themselves, as they party it up at James Franco's house when the friggin' Apocalypse unfolds. The dudes are trapped indoors and begin going stir crazy. Each character is used to being the token "funny guy/smart ass" in each of their movies, so imagine how wacky it gets when all six of them are thrown together in a less than ideal situation like this.

Raunchy humor aside, I'd argue that This Is The End's best feature is the film's basic underlying theme: that Hollywood is full of shit. The movie takes the piss out of our society's unhealthy culture of celebrity worship/idolatry. The characters in This Is The End are all famous Hollywood elites, but when shit hits the fan, their true colors are revealed, that of selfish, callous assholes. They're horrible people and even worse "friends" toward one another. Watching the characters drop their Hollywood facade and become honest human beings is almost as rewarding as the awesome Ghostbusters inspired CGI hell beasts that run wild during the literal Armageddon taking place outside. All the random nods and throwbacks to their own film careers, and the impromptu Pineapple Express sequel the stars create while trapped indoors are all perfect examples of how clever and tongue and cheek this film is. What could have been a self congratulatory circle jerk from Hollywood's current comedic heavyweights turned into one of the best comedies I've seen in years. Michael Cera, Emma Watson and Channing Tatum's cameos are worth the price of admission alone.
 

Happy Birthday Paul Thomas Anderson!

Paul Thomas Anderson is my favorite director. I view his films like stone tablets from Mount Sinai. I've ranted about PTA ad nauseum on this blog, but guess what? Even more PTA love to celebrate the man's 43rd birthday.

This is a short edit that highlights all of PTA's films (excluding 2012's The Master).


Here is a special in depth video that explores PTA's technical genius behind the camera:

The Career of Paul Thomas Anderson in Five Shots from Kevin B. Lee on Vimeo.

And I'll leave you with an example a shinning example of PTA's twisted humor:



Happy Birthday sir. I can't wait to see what the next 20 years of your career will bring.

I GET JOKES: Free Speech

artwork by Tiffany Reza

Did you know it’s illegal to yell “fire” in a public place? Well you can, but only if the joint is burning down. You can’t falsely yell “fire” in, oh, let’s say a crowded theater, or any packed public place that could cause panic and result in people getting hurt. I know, I know, but what about muh FREEOMS?! Freedom of speech is great (thank you Larry Flynt) but limitations like this one seem necessary in my book. 

You know what other phrase should be illegal? “It’s yours.” I’m not talking about slices of pizza either. Falsely identifying someone as your baby daddy should definitely fall under the limitations of free speech. You better have a warrant, forensics and eye witness testimony before you come at a guy with that. Why? Well the threat of a fire/disaster in a public sphere is illegal because it could result in bodily harm or death. False fatherhood accusations on the other hand are equal to certain death. It’s an 18 years to life sentence (depending on how fucked up the kid turns out). Say goodbye to the existence you once knew. It’s diapers, braces, data plans and tuition/bail from here until the little bastard gets a full time job when he’s 34 (thanks Obama).

If you can’t yell fire in a public space, you shouldn’t be allowed to accuse potential baby daddy’s on Twitter either. Think about it. The social media sphere is more crowded than all the theater houses and sports arenas in the world. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shake the hashtag #deadbeatdad. You’ll be an instant pariah. Even something harmless like: “Joey Joe Joe was tagged at The Yard House with 4 others” will result in endless comments like: “He needs to be wit his family at home.” “PREACH” and “ReALTALk.”

I know that big government is the enemy and the last thing we all need are the feds telling us how to live and what to say…but this is serious. The Clear and Present Danger doctrine has been instituted in our legal system for almost a century now, I just think it’s time we updated it for modern times. No false fire or paternity claims in 21^st century America. And remember ladies, the burden of proof rests solely on the prosecution. God, I love this country.

College Humor: Justin Timberlake Parody

I'm not the biggest Justin Timberlake fan in the world. I do however, enjoy good cover/parody songs and this College Humor send up of single "Suit & Tie" is pretty awesome if I say so myself. Enjoy:

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Awesome Photo (14)

The Presidents of The United States of America. Not the band..the living Presidents (aka: Super Friends) all met up last week at the opening of G.W. Bush's new recycling center in, wait, Bush II has a library? Oh the hell with this.

*NOTE*
Johnson, Nixon and Reagan all participated via satellite: from hell. Ford was cool doe, he liked nachos.

Movie Review: Pain & Gain

First, it should be noted that I haven't enjoyed a Michael Bay film in fifteen years. Not since Bruce Willis commanded manly tears from audiences around the globe in 1998's Armageddon. That's a long fucking time ago. Sadly, the man who gave us Bad Boys and The Rock, went ape shit crazy once he got his hands on +$100 million film budgets. What followed was a series of unbelievable crap fests: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, The Island, and those god awful Transformer movies. I've basically spent the past decade avoiding Michael Bay films like the plague. With that being said, I now have a confession to make: Michael Bay's new film Pain & Gain was absolutely amazing. I seriously loved every minute of it.

Pain & Gain is Michael Bay's low budget (made on a "measly" $26 million) return to his roots. After spending most of the 2000's directing computer animated robots trashing major metropolitan cities, Bay wanted to get back to basics, shooting real actors in front of a camera in his backyard. Of course when you're an uber successful Hollywood mogul like Bay, your backyard is a ginormous mansion in Miami. Either way, Pain & Gain is easily one of the most ridiculous films I've ever seen, both in it's content and execution, and makes for one hell of a entertaining movie.

The Departed, pt2.

A gang of body building criminals who kidnap, extort and murder their way to riches already sounds ludicrous. Well, the film is based on real life events. Like Argo, this film is based on some crazy, asinine shit that is the embodiment of the phrase, truth is stranger than fiction. Mark Wahlberg plays gang leader, Daniel Lugo, and channels previous performances from Boogie Nights and Fear. Make no mistake, his character is a sadistic monster, but he's a loveable sadistic monster. Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock...wow, Bay cast a dude named after his 2nd film!) has never been more entertaining. Of all the dirt bags in this film, and there's a lot, he's the most loveable. He's an ex-con with a heart of gold, a Jesus freak who loves pumping iron and, an unabashed crack head. I told you, this movie is insane. Anthony Mackie is the final member of the gang who provides infinite amounts of comic relief with his perfect timing and delivery of lines. He's a steroid abuser who's dick stops working and he's got his penis on his mind 24/7.  Tony Shalhoub is great in his role as the film's "victim" but even his character is such a douche you can't help but secretly root for the body building scum bags (aka The Sun Gym Gang).

Honestly, as great as the cast is, Michael Bay is Pain & Gain's true star. His trademark action disorienting directing style, and uncanny eye for projecting iconic visuals onscreen take this already surreal tale to another level. The gratuitous use of slow motion, explosions, low angle shots implying alpha male dominance, explosions, the blatantly sexist objectification of women, more explosions, shoving the American flag in as many shots as possible, ridiculously saturated color schemes, and did I mention explosions already? These techniques are Michael Bay's bread and butter and his indulgence in them have made his recent films all but unwatchable...but Pain & Gain is a different story. It's like Bay woke up from a 15 year nap, more energized and refreshingly self aware. On this project, he's not just trashing his dimwitted protagonists, he's making fun of himself as well.  With Pain & Gain, Bay embraces the frat boy, former Victoria's Secret commercial director stymie detractors (myself included) have thrown at him over the years and he triumphantly responds by saying, "Sup?"

People are criticizing this film for glamorizing the real life tragedy that took place. I see their point but have to disagree. This film doesn't celebrate these imbeciles, instead it showcases and underscores the sheer ridiculousness of these events ever having happened, in a Don King, "...only in America!" kind of way. Some film critics are bashing Pain & Gain because they just love hating on Michael Bay and see this film as a poor man's version of Fargo.  I say this is Bay's Spring Breakers, but jacked on steroids. Welcome back Michael Bay. It's been too long man.

I GET JOKES: Existential Porn Crisis

artwork by Tiffany Reza

Summer 2001:

It took some time to find you, navigating the backwoods of AOL for safe passage. Last Friday at Johnny’s, in his dad’s den at 2am. That’s where I fell in love. Fell in love at the keyboard. “Forget about her,” they said. “Who cares?” I did. Those punks just wanted a quick fix. I was in it for the long haul. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but they don’t swim like you Angel. By swim…I mean take three dicks at the same time.  

Angel la Cox.  19/f/Cali. Part German, Hispanic, and whatever you desire. They don’t have girls like you in St. Claire Falls that’s for sure. We’re going to Disneyland for Cindy’s next birthday. So close, but so far. They have nude beaches out west huh? I bet all the sand in your crack isn’t as bad as Damien Rod’s, rod. Just kidding. You took it like a champ. It was beautiful.

The Painal Group homepage says that Back Door Auditions vol. III was your first role. Ten years from now you’ll be 29 and ready to retire. I should be out of college by then. This could work. This could really work…

Shit. Foot steps. Can’t you call grandma later? Angel’s new MPEG is almost done downloading. Only 53 more minutes to go! Fine. Your house, your phone, your rules. I’ll log on tonight when they’re asleep. This new clip, 45 seconds of heaven, it’s worth the risk. I’ll be back Angel. I swear.

Winter 2013:
Grad School. What a joke. I should have got a real job. Or joined the Army. Fuck this library. I need a beer. Why the hell is Denise calling me when she’s knows I’m doing research? Fiance or not, she fucking bugs. Taking a break…

Headlines.
“Gridlock in DC: Congress to…,”   “Top cities for Twenty…” “Shocking: Former Porn Star on trial…”
Angel? Angel la Cox?!

2006, assault. 2008, methamphetamine and prostitution charges brought after motel raid. 2011, New Apostle Congregation of the Holy Spirit welcomes an…oh Angel. What happened?
 
You were so young and graceful. Your pelvis galloped on those flesh toned condoms like a thoroughbred. All the fame and accolades? The AVN for best new starlet? Why’d you start blowing guys off Craigslist?! Cops have computers too girl! How could this have happened?

I’ve been so caught up. I swear I didn’t know. I…why the fuck is Denise still calling?! God.

I remember you signed with Dirty Diva Productions. I just finished high school. Oh shit, it says you did interracial? Wow. Ok, bookmarked. Has it really been ten, no wait, twelve years ago. In Derrick’s garage looking at your jpegs online.

What happened to you…what happened to us?

Car payments, Denise, Stanford, Econ fucking happened. Oh Christ what’s the point. You’re cooking rock in some trailer; I’m scouring periodicals from online databases. We’re slaves. We fucked up somewhere and now we’re lost and miserable. You’re turning tricks for cash and Denise won’t stop fucking texting me either! OFF. PHONE OFF.

I’m sorry Angel. I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry. For the both of us. I need to make things right. The only way I can.

New tab. Red Tube search: Angel la Cox.
Fuck this library.