Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Dental Plan: Simpsons Themed Short Fiction
INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A MAN is tied to a chair inside a dark warehouse. A large GOON paces beside him.
So you lied to us…in song? Fuck. I hate when people do that.
Aw, you've got it all wrong. It's not like that. Look, I got the idea when I realized the fridge was cold, and…
Liar! You were out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother? He put you up to this? Didn’t he, didn’t he? Look at me!
Goon grabs the Man's throat.
No! I just, I…I was losing my perspicacity alright?! I wanted more friends, more allies…
Goon lets go as the Man slumps over.
You wanted to be queen of summertime…
So you and your attractive cousin decided to set up shop on our turf? What did you call yourselves again?
Team—Team Discovery Channel.
Wow. Some geniuses huh? You thought you could waltz in here like it’s Happyland? All the other dealers would be too busy in their gum drop houses on lollipop lane to realize what the hell you were doing?
That nobody would notice this little operation, in this time of the year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your front yard?
-but, it was Country Time Lemonade. There’s never been anything close to real lemons in it.
Pish Posh! You thought it would be like taking candy, from a baby didn’t you…Mendoza? That’s not even your real name is it?
No. It’s Miguel- Miguel Sanchez.
Well, it was nice knowing you Miguel. Mr. Black says it’s time to fertilize the lawn…if you catch my drift.
The Man suddenly jerks upright. He sits tall and defiant.
You hired goons may have gotten the drop on me…but you’ll never stop Dr. Colossus! If you think he’ll slip up like I did, then you don’t know Diablo Canyon Two from Diablo Canyon One…
Goon lights up a cigarette.
Leave that hack and his oversized decorative pancho to us. Just because he used to be a major player down at the sewing store doesn’t mean shit. Mr. Black, now he…he’s a superstar at the cracker factory. He truly is, the king of all kings. When we catch that little S.O.B., Mr. Black is gonna look him in the eyes and say: “So this is your sick mother?”
Goon hovers over the Man's chair.
Yeah…put that in your fife and smoke it.
Goon extinguishes his cigarette on the Man's face.
Screen goes black. Screaming is heard off camera.
So that's that. A dramatic scene/short story I wrote interwoven with 25 different references to the gnarliest television program of all time, the first decade run of The Simpsons.
My goal was to tell a coherent narrative while paying homage to my favorite TV show. Hopefully you normal folk could understand what the hell was going on. To The Simpsons fiends out there: Can you identify all 25 references? Well, can you? Up and atom then.