Dental Plan: Simpsons Themed Short Fiction

INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

A MAN is tied to a chair inside a dark warehouse. A large GOON paces beside him.
                        
                         GOON
So you lied to us…in song? Fuck. I hate when people do that.

                         MAN
Aw, you've got it all wrong. It's not like that. Look, I got the idea when I realized the fridge was cold, and…

                         GOON
Liar! You were out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother? He put you up to this? Didn’t he, didn’t he? Look at me!

Goon grabs the Man's throat.

                         MAN
No! I just, I…I was losing my perspicacity alright?! I wanted more friends, more allies…

Goon lets go as the Man slumps over.

                         GOON
You wanted to be queen of summertime…

                         MAN (WHIMPERS)
-king.

                         GOON
So you and your attractive cousin decided to set up shop on our turf? What did you call yourselves again?

                         MAN
Team—Team Discovery Channel.

                         GOON
Wow. Some geniuses huh? You thought you could waltz in here like it’s Happyland? All the other dealers would be too busy in their gum drop houses on lollipop lane to realize what the hell you were doing?

                         MAN
-b-but…

                         GOON
That nobody would notice this little operation, in this time of the year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your front yard?

                         MAN
-but, it was Country Time Lemonade. There’s never been anything close to real lemons in it.

                         GOON
Pish Posh! You thought it would be like taking candy, from a baby didn’t you…Mendoza? That’s not even your real name is it?

                         MAN
No. It’s Miguel- Miguel Sanchez.

                         GOON
Well, it was nice knowing you Miguel. Mr. Black says it’s time to fertilize the lawn…if you catch my drift.

The Man suddenly jerks upright. He sits tall and defiant.

                         MAN
You hired goons may have gotten the drop on me…but you’ll never stop Dr. Colossus! If you think he’ll slip up like I did, then you don’t know Diablo Canyon Two from Diablo Canyon One…

                         GOON
Colossus? HA.

Goon lights up a cigarette.

                         GOON (CONT'D)
Leave that hack and his oversized decorative pancho to us. Just because he used to be a major player down at the sewing store doesn’t mean shit. Mr. Black, now he…he’s a superstar at the cracker factory. He truly is, the king of all kings. When we catch that little S.O.B., Mr. Black is gonna look him in the eyes and say: “So this is your sick mother?”

Goon hovers over the Man's chair.

                         Goon (CONT'D)
Yeah…put that in your fife and smoke it.  

Goon extinguishes his cigarette on the Man's face.

        Screen goes black. Screaming is heard off camera.

                           END.

So that's that. A dramatic scene/short story I wrote interwoven with 25 different references to the gnarliest television program of all time, the first decade run of The Simpsons. 

My goal was to tell a coherent narrative while paying homage to my favorite TV show. Hopefully you normal folk could understand what the hell was going on. To The Simpsons fiends out there: Can you identify all 25 references? Well, can you? Up and atom then.

And The Answer Is...(7)

And the winner of the previous Take a Guess Challenge is: ...once again, the movie trivia juggernaut, Pat Hatt.

Even though he left his answer in riddles/code, it's fairly obvious he knew what was what. Pat is an evil rhyming/encyclopedic genius. Enjoy more of his musings at his blog over HERE.

The answer to the previous challenge was:

James Cameron's 1984 sci-fi classic, The Terminator. This is the one that started it all folks. Arnold would go on to become the biggest star in Hollywood and future governor of California. Cameron, well he pretty much holds the entire global box office in the palm of his hand nowadays. All that stems from the sheer awesomeness of this one, low budgeted, sci-fi B movie that knocked everyone on their asses back in the 1980's and continues to do so nearly 30 years later.

The Terminator is about a time traveling robot assassin from the future who must execut...er, terminate a young woman so her unborn son stays that way, and doesn't grow up to mess with the evil robot's future world. Sound insane? It is. The thing is, even if you ignore the film's plot, The Terminator is still one badass fucking chase film. It's literally like a relay race of death/carnage. What James Cameron did on a shoe string budget with The Terminator boggles the mind when compared with his most recent crap fest, Avatar. Yes, before Cameron got all George Lucas on us he was one hell of a filmmaker. Throwing millions of dollars at a shitty movie and dressing it up with special effects does not a good film make. The Terminator's cast does all the heavy lifting in Cameron's original masterpiece (although Stan Winston's makeup effects do look pretty cool...for their time). Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn and Arnie's mug are the only effects needed to sell this story alright?! Well that, and lots of guns.

"It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."

Make no mistake about it, The Terminator is a dark film. Arnold plays the terminator (Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 for you fanboys) like the grim reaper on steroids. He prowls the dark underbelly of Los Angeles, blasting his way to Hamilton's Sarah Connor character come hell or high water, killing her friends, family and anyone unlucky enough to cross his path. You know, aside from the gigantic time traveling robot aspect, Cameron also succeeds with injecting a gritty dose of realism into the film as well. The Terminator is a wildy fantastic sci-fi film that takes place in (seemingly) real world Los Angeles and thanks to Cameron's direction, you almost believe this type of wacky shit could really take place. Like how Christopher Nolan makes you think some rich nutbag could actually run around in a Bat suit. It's really amazing how well this film holds up nearly 30 years later.

Because of the film's dark suspense elements and geek-tastic plot, Cameron dubbed The Terminator as "tech-noir," a mix of classic film noir and science fiction. This was also the name of the dance club where Arn...er, the terminator first encounters Sarah Connor and where Tahnee Cain & the Tryanglz song, "Burnin' in the Third Degree" from the previous Take a Guess Challenge is heard.


Cameron had the whole time travel gimmick down before Zemeckis could take us Back To The Future. He also realized that audiences love robots and guns. When their powers combine...awesomeness was born.

Take a Guess 7

Can any of you bloggers tell me which movie features this song?
Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome. Check out previous editions of my Take a Guess Challenge HERE.

The Answer Is...(6)

Congrats to Bonjour Tristesse, for winning yesterday's Take a Guess Challenge. This shouldn't have come as a surprise, since Bonjour runs a blog dedicated to foreign and cult cinema, one I recommend everyone check out for all you cinematic needs. Kudos to Yeamie Waffles and the unstoppable Pat Hatt for guessing, just a tad too late though. So the answer to yesterday's question is:

Richard Linklater's 1995 film, Before Sunrise. Some movies entertain you, others might touch a nerve or make you really think. Before Sunrise does all these, but most importantly of all, it haunts you.

Before Sunrise stands as one of the greatest romance stories of all time. The plot may seem a little cliche, boy meets girl on a train and they sweep each other of their feet, but Linklater's film has become a modern day cult classic because it breaks through most conventions of romance genre films (or any films for that matter) and creates an intoxicating sense of realism, inviting the audience into Jesse and Celine's exclusive little world, one that you'll never want to leave.

Très bien

The film centers around two young lovers who spend one magical day together on the streets of Vienna. Ethan Hawke is Jesse, a wondering American riding the rails across Europe before flying back home to the States. By chance, he encounters Julie Delpy's Celine, a beautiful young Frenchwoman on her way back to Paris. What follows is one of the most engaging and original tales of romance and life you'll ever see.

Jesse charms Celine into spending the day with him in Vienna. Fully aware that they both must return home eventually, Jesse and Celine entertain each other as a lark knowing that the hands of time have doomed any potential romance of theirs from the start. This Cinderella effect forces them to cut through the usual getting to know you type bullshit facade people usually project during first dates and you see the intense chemistry between the two is not only instant, but real, and they revel in it throughout the entire film.

I use the term real because at times, Before Sunrise feels more like a documentary than a regular movie. Linklater's script is genius. The dialogue, dear lord the dialogue. Kevin Smith, Tarantino they have nothing on this script. Not only do Jesse and Celine talk a mile a minute in this film, but thanks to Hawke and Delpy's amazing delivery it all sounds natural and again...real! Their performances are uncanny. Even when they aren't talking and just vibe off each other with little glances or gestures. I've never seen such chemistry between actors. Watching two people sitting in a streetcar, in a restaurant booth or park bench has never been so enthralling. Here is the scene that featured the song from the previous Take a Guess Challenge, Jesse and Celine in a record store listening booth:

Not a single word was spoken in that booth but their eyes and mannerisms said it all. Subtlety George Lucas, look it up.

The film takes place in the course of about twelve hours. It's called Before Sunrise for a reason. As soon as morning comes their fairytale must end. Linklater's 2004 film Before Sunset takes place nine years later and we see what's become of Jesse and Celine as they've grown into adulthood. It takes all the awesomeness of Before Sunrise to the next level, (dialogue, acting, camera work...Sunset even feels like it's playing out in real time) but that's a different post for a different day. If you've never seen Before Sunrise and my ranting has peeked your interest I'd urge you to check this film out for yourself ASAP. I'll guarantee you'd be fiending (yes FIEND) to see Before Sunset immediately afterward and never want to leave the pocket romantic European universe Jesse and Celine inhabit. 

Take a Guess 6

Can any of you bloggers tell me what movie features this song?

Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome.

Check out previous editions of my Take a Guess Challenge HERE.

The Answer Is...(5)

Just as Jim feared (wow, can't believe I went there), Mr. Pat Hatt's encyclopedic movie knowledge led him to another victory. Thankfully, he abbreviated his answer and allowed a few others to play in the reindeer games as well:

So congrats to G and Nicole as well as the unstoppable movie trivia juggernaut that is Pat Hatt on guessing correctly. Although nobody identified the film's title, their answers proved sufficient enough. The answer to the previous challenge was:

Stanley Kubrick's hilarious 1964 classic, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. The image I selected is of actress Tracy Reed. She plays General Turgidson's sexy secretary/mistress and also doubles as the film's Playboy centerfold, "Miss Foreign Affairs."

What can I say about Dr. Strangelove that hasn't already been said? It's one of Kubrick's finest works and easily stands as not only one of the funniest movies, but you know, one of the greatest films ever made. Nearly 50 years after it's release, Dr. Strangelove's morbid/black humor is as potent as ever. While the Cold War may have ended peacefully, the larger theme of Kubrick's ingenious satire still rings true, that of mankind's uncanny ability to favor irrationality/bat shit insanity over reason and common sense. The smartest species to ever walk the Earth, is also the only one dumb enough to destroy itself and the entire planet as well. It's so tragic/terrifying when you think about it, all you can do is laugh at the absurdity of it all. Thats exactly what Kubrick does in Dr. Strangelove.

awesomeness

The film centers around a paranoid Air Force commander named General Ripper who launches a nuclear attack against the Soviet Union because, well, he's bat shit insane. The President gathers his top military advisers and tries to figure out how to stop the strike and do damage control with the Russians before they retaliate and the entire world is annihilated by way of mushroom cloud. Unfortunately, mostly everyone on the case is either out of their minds or utterly incompetent. Peter Seller's is brilliant playing three different roles. His President Muffley is the ultimate bumbling bureaucrat while his Captain Mandrake character is the film's sole voice of reason. Sellers also plays the film's title character, the president's chief scientist, former Nazi brainiac Dr. Strangelove. Of course my favorite character is George C. Scott's General Turgidson. His character sets the template for modern Neo-Con Rupublican's foriegn policy, which is funny because he's the equivalent  of  Daffy Duck in a military uniform.

Again, even though the film is nearly half a century old, it's held up amazingly well. I think this serves as a testament to Kubrick's innovative directing. Even the cheesy split screen/model plane shots look cool! 50 years later and his work still seems contemporary. The film's cast is superb, Kubrick's direction flawless and two generations later, the satire/political commentary is still biting. If you haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, I emplore you to do so.

Take a Guess 5

Time for another Take a Guess challenge! I'm changing things up a little this time. Instead of using a song/video, today we've got an image taken from a film. Can any of you bloggers guess which movie this image is from?

Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/youtube to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome.

I'm a little scared Pat Hatt might dominate these little challenges, not just because he won the previous one, but mostly due to his insanely awesome movie title/rhyme post last month. We'll have to wait and see. Well good luck everyone (else, haha).

The Answer Is...(4)

Congratulations to YeamieWaffles and Pat Hatt for winning yesterday's Take a Guess Challenge! I've never had two winners before, but you two both know your stuff! Congrats again.

The answer to yesterday's post is:
Fred Dekker's 1987 cult comedy/horror classic, The Monster Squad.

So what is The Monster Squad? Well, imagine The Goonies on steroids. Instead of dealing with crooks and pirates, The Monster Squad kids battle the unholy forces of evil! They're not a bunch of sniveling pussies either. No, the sassy middle school punks from Monster Squad, use foul language, raunchy humor, weapons, explosives and like to look at naked chicks with binoculars, voyeur style. And while Sloth did look kind of gnarly in The Goonies, he's got NOTHING on the awesome creatures in Monster Squad. The film features all the original Universal Studios monsters from the 1930's, re-imagined by Stan Winston and updated for the Reagan era. I first saw this film in either or 90' or 91'. The point is, I was extremely young. My aunt recorded it off HBO one night using fancy VCR technology. I cherished that tape for the next two decades.

swag

So the film follows a group of pre-teens who like to hang in their tree house and talk about monster films/comics and other geeky sci-fi shit. Seems innocent enough, until Mother Fucking Count Dracula comes to town. Dracula starts rounding up a posse, consisting of some jailbait lolita vamps, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, Frankenstein's Monster and the coolest looking Creature from the Black Lagoon (aka the Gill-Man) ever. Strange things start happening, people start dying, 2,000 year old mummies vanishing from museums. You know, weird shit. With all the grownups head's firmly up their own asses, it's up to the members of the Monster Squad to save the day!

Sounds cheesy I know (and it partially is), but this flick is way more mature than it should be. First, the monsters are pretty hardcore. Dracula and the Wolf Man tear through more cops than I can count. Every time you see a dude in a Sheriff hat he's only moments away from getting his ass kicked. That, and they're also trying to kill a bunch of children. Like legitimately kill the fuckers. Dracula evens TNT's their tree house! Second, the kids get away with saying and doing some stuff that simply would not fly in a modern PG-13 movie. Case in point:

Ok, that wasn't so bad. Just a cutesy five year old hanging with a giant zombie, using a little profanity.
The rest of the squad is bit more frank. They curse, vandalize & blackmail their little hearts out and it's oh so amusing. This might sound crazy, but I think the Monster Squad gang was an indirect influence on South Park. Watch this movie a few times and I think you'll agree with me.

my personal hero: RUDY

Like most 80's popcorn flicks, Monster Squad is rife with ingenious one liners. That clip above where little Phoebe calls her brother's gang chickenshit. There's Rudy, the ultimate badass this side of The Man With No Name, valiantly heading into battle saying:
                                             "I'm in the goddamn club aren't I?"
And how could we forgot the moment where Fat Kid kills the Gill-Man and proudly clarifies what his real name is:


So there you have it. The Monster Squad is easily one of my favorite movies of all time. I watched that VHS tape my aunt gave me for 15+ years until I found a bootleg rip of the film on DVD in the mid 2000's. Then, in 2007, the film was finally, officially released on DVD in a special two-disc 20th anniversary edition. I'm still reeling with excitement in case you can't tell!

Here's the clip from The Monster Squad that features the horribly awesome Michael Sembello song from the previous Take a Guess challenge. This is montage of the squad preparing for their coming battle against the monsters is perhaps my favorite 80's montage of all, 2nd only to Rocky IV's training in the snow sequence.


This year, spend your Halloween with The Monster Squad, and kick anyone dressed as a werewolf in the balls =)

Take a Guess 4

It's been a while since my last Take a Guess Challenge....time for a new one!

Can any of you bloggers tell me what movie features this song?


Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome.

And The Answer Is...(3)

Nicolas Winding Refn's 2008 film, Bronson.

Looks like we have a winnner! It's the king of all bloggers, the legendary...The Angry Lurker.

This is Lurker's 2nd Take a Guess victory. The dude definitely knows his stuff! Congrats again sir. Now, onto the movie in question...

Bronson is a dark and twisted psychological thrill ride. Imagine the sheer lunacy of Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange mixed with the seedy squalor of Scorese's Taxi Driver and you'll get the gist of what this film is like. Or maybe not. Refn's film, based on the true life story of England's most notorious prison inmate, is an avant-garde exercise of extremes, often as enthralling and perplexing as the real Charles Bronson himself.

Why so...BANE

Tom Hardy plays Michael Peterson, a down and out street thug with a bit of an angry streak who goes onto become an acclaimed bareknuckle brawler under the name Charles Bronson as well as, the most dangerous and bat shit insane inmate in the UK's prison system. Dude tears his way through numerous prisons and even more prison guards over the course of three decades. Everything about this film is low budget yet mesmerizing. Things get a little strange sometimes (re: all the time) but you'll be too tripped out to care. Seeing a naked man wrestling in his own feces is something you'll just adapt to over the course of this film. As for Hardy, he gives a career defining performance with this role. He put on something like 40lbs of muscle to become this stark raving maniac and literally bares it all for this film. Anyone who doubts Christopher Nolan's casting of Hardy as Bane in The Dark Knight Rises needs to see his stellar performance in Bronson first.

Take a Guess 3

It's been a while since my last Take a Guess Challenge....time for a new one!

Can any of you bloggers tell me what movie features this song?


(Don't fret, the song is only 6, not 10 mins long!)

Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome.

The Answer Is...(2)

Larry Clark's 1995 film, Kids.

Looks like !thenitefalls is the winner of Tuesday's lil' trivia game.

you guessed right my friend, and earned my movie nerd respect. Dude already had my music nerd respect (as I'm sure he has most of yours, he's got like 9000 followers!) so now, you got both.

For those of you who haven't seen Kids, be afraid. Be very afraid. It's one of those movies that just might scar you for life. Unless you're a completely jaded re(/b/)tard, watching Kids for the first time might be akin to getting punched in the stomach. I can't go over much of the plot without spoiling the movie, but lets just say it's about a bunch of teenage kids roaming the streets of NYC and their experiences with drugs, violence, and lots of sex. The ultra grimy landscape of early/mid 90's New York, reeling from the crack epidemic of the 80's and the reality of HIV/AIDS (not the Giuliani corporate Disney Land that existed just before 9/11) provides a haunting backdrop throughout the film.

Clark and Justin Pierce: R.I.P. "Casper"

Larry Clark's direction in Kids has been called everything from genius to obscene. It really all depends on your perception, and the strength of your stomach. Visually, the film is stunning. Clark made his bones as a photographer long before he started making movies and his prowess with the camera pays off big time here. Shot in a pseudo-documentary style, Clark's choice of shots, camera angles and locations across the city helps give Kids its jarring sense of realism.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about Kids is the it's cast, or lack of. Clark used real New York teens and unknown first time actors for the film. He found Justin Pierce skating in the park one day and cast Rosario Dawson after seeing her on her building's porch. Yes, Rosario Dawson and Chloe Sevigny both make their first appearances in Kids.

So here's a clip from Kids featuring the song from Tuesday's trivia challenge, Daniel Johnston's ultra fitting, "Casper The Friendly Ghost."



Sadly, Justin Pierce, the actor who plays "Casper" in Kids committed suicide in 2000 at the age of 25. Harold Hunter, a pro skater and featured actor in the film also died in 2006 from a cocaine induced heart attack. He was 31.

Take a Guess 2

The Angry Lurker won the very first Take a Guess challenge....who will be next?

Can any of you bloggers tell me what movie features this song?



Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect and a shout out/link for being awesome.

The Answer Is....

P.T. Anderson's Boogie Nights, 1997.

Looks like The Angry Lurker won the grand prize for naming Boogie Nights as the answer to yesterday's top secret mystery question. The prize being my instant respect and a cyber high five/bro fist. So BOOYAH and congrats again.

THE MAN

Boogie Nights, easily one of the best films of the 1990's and on the short list of Jim Fear's favorite movies of all time. It has the madcap insanity of a Tarantino flick but with characters you actually give two shits about. I first discovered Boogie Nights in the early 00's on late night cable (lets just say Show Time), hoping for some softcore/TV-MA boobs, I ended up watching a near two & 1/2hour long chronicle of the San Fernando Valley's  1970's-80's porn scene, that featured very little porn, lots of cocaine and some of the best one-liners I'd ever seen in a movie. With Magnolia, Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood, Paul Thomas Anderson has proven to be one of the finest directors in Hollywood today but no matter what he accomplishes in the the future (or that his last work, There Will Be Blood is my favorite film ever) I will always go back to cocaine fueled first impression he left on me with Boogie Nights.

Here is the scene from Boogie Nights that incorporates Charles Wright & The Watts 103 Street Rhythm Band's song from yesterday, "Do Your Thing."
WARNING: This video is kind of a spoiler, so if you haven't seen Boogie Nights...

Take a Guess

Can any of you bloggers tell me what movie features this awesomely bodacious song?


Feel free to answer below in the comments section. Please refrain from using google/wikipedia/browsing the youtube comments to find the answer...cheating gets you nowhere! I'll post the answer tomorrow (or the next time I update) and the winner gets my total movie nerd respect.