|artwork by Chris "SILLYPANTS" Castro|
It's a cold winter night. After one too many games of beer pong, Alex flys down the open highway road. He's gotta piss you know? While switching through his favorite Pandora stations, he loses control of his vehicle and veers off the road. The gash on his head from slamming into the steering while isn't as bad as it looks. No serious damage to himself or his liability only insured car. Too bad he's too wasted to realize that.
Car door swings open. Alex falls out and stumbles to the ground.
Cold. It's freezing. I-I'm bleeding?
Oh God, I was in an accident! Drunk driver?
Wait, that was me. My bad. They don't call me the beer pong champ for nothing!
At least I had my seat belt...oh. Shit. I-I can't move my legs dawg. I'm getting colder. This fucking sucks. I don't think I'm gonna make it. Even if I did, Sarah's gonna be pissed. I told her I was working tonight. What should I do? I'm getting all woozy and shit. Sam. Sam!
After some struggle, he unlocks his phone and makes a call.
Sam answer your fucking phone dude. C'mon. Gotta text his ass now. Foo needs an iPhone already, this shit would be free. Cheap ass...
Sam dude I fuked up. hit tree after left ur pad. dyin man =/ Do me a solid bro log onto my emails & profiles let evryone know I'm dunskees. Dont let Sarah see my inbox! keep those nudes from Jenn tho. Cute AF huh? Thanks man. Later.
yo I forgoet the password! LOL. email is spartan06. ha. FB and Twitter are: gimmiefuel6969. haha. Metallica bro wut?! Cool man. lates.
Oh...my old myspace tho! Nah, that shits dead anyways.
So this it? End of the line. Man, my last pic on Instagram is that Subway from yesterday. I can't go out like that!
Opens camera app.
One last selfie. Dammit.
Turns on flash and takes another photo. Hashtags the following:
#dontdrinkanddrive #peaceout #RIP
This better get more "likes" than Sarah's cloud pictures. This is my LAST pic you know?
His phone buzzes.
What? Liked my status? I didn't post...
He glances at his mysterious new Facebook update that reads:
Alexander Owens is a lying piece of shit. Was supposed to at work but drunk text me instead. Fuck him an that slut still sending him nudes behind my back. YOU KNO WHO YOU R BITCH! Get some respect n get ur own man. wait nvm you can have him. Get HER to help fix your car. Were done. smh.
I text Sarah?!Shiiiiiiiiiiit. She's gonna kill me. Well, if I wasn't already dying here. Fuck. I'm so cold and I'm all wet now. At least I don't have to piss anymore. Wait...